Proclamation!

Dear readers (who are as numerous as grains of sand in the Ganges),

As you may have noticed, I changed the template of my blog. I like the links on the left side, but I'm not sure about the rest of it. Really, all I want out of a template is readability, but looking super-cool would be nice as well. So, googleplex of readers, what say you? I want your feedback, since you're the poor bastards who have to stare at it as you check hourly, hoping for an update. New one? Old one? Or maybe you have a link to a site w/ sweet templates?

Or perhaps you just want to shower me with praise. I'm fine with that also.

Hello? Anyone?



Anyone at all?

It's a Con(or)test!

Hello, my innumerable readers! Gather 'round! Whoa, whoa, not so fast! There's so many of you that I'm getting crushed by your billions and billion's of bodies! Simmer down!

Okay.

Here's the thing: My buddy Conor of Mediocre Extraordinare, is having a contest! A writing contest! Inspired by our mutual (and much more responsible, hard-working, overall better person) friend Mike Guardabascio of A Storied Year, who has held several very successful writing contests in the past, Conor's contest revolves around a picture entitled "Offices, Gorilla World". The stories must be fifty words or more and be inspired by or connected somehow to the picture.

Now, whats the best part about contests, other than that I always win them? Prizes! Yes sir, there certainly are prizes attached to this lucrative contest. They include*, but are not limited to:

• A full body, sensual massage from Conor and his man-hands
• Lifetime immunity from Conor's piercing wit and sharp tongue
• Conor will name his first illegitimate child after you, regardless of the gender
• A pony
• A year membership to Conor's other site, www.conorthecamboy.com, (a $200 value!)

So: Go to Mediocre Extraordinare and read the "official rules", then read my story, quiver with fear and shame knowing that you couldn't possibly write a better entry, then shake it off and take a crack at it. What do you have to lose**?

Best of luck to you all***,

Dan

*do not include

**if you beat me, you have my solemn vow that I will cut off your toes with a hacksaw and eat them like cocktail weenies right in front of you.

***You illiterate cretins don't stand a fucking chance, you hear me?

Gorilla World

I thought the choice was obvious, so I headed right, down a zig-zagging pathway lined with bamboo and paved with river rock, opening into a courtyard. It was wide, the white walls of the enclosure gently reflecting the sun onto the grassy field where a large number of gorillas were spread out. A transparent glass wall cut through the middle of their habitat, a wall that displayed, quite clearly, a cut-away vision of the office building. The apes were doing all the normal simian things: lying on their backs, scratching their heads with their toes, some were combing each others hair and carrying their kids, they were alone and in pairs and in groups, they were eating bananas and thumping chests and staring majestically into space. They were also talking.

And I could understand them. I stepped into the clearing, quietly, but not a single primate took notice of me. Walking closer to a smaller pair of gorillas, I waved. If they saw me, there was no sign of it. I leaned in to hear what they were saying better. One was a taller, heavier one, male by the look of the silver on his back. He wasn't the oldest gorilla, but he'd been around. The one who was talking was obviously female, with a smaller frame and hunched stance.

"I just think it's cruel."

"You're nuts! Those guys are having the time of their lives in there! Look at them! They get to talk all the time, and sit in chairs and drink all the coffee they want! It's paradise!"

"But they're captives! They don't have a choice! And those terrible clothes they dress them in!"

"You think that matters to them? Honestly, I wish I could do that all day. All this sitting around, eating bananas, climbing trees...I hate it. It's boring. I want to sit on chairs. I want to talk into little plastic things. I want to look at glass boxes. So don't go getting all chimpy on me."

"I'm sorry...you just know how I feel about other living things. Come on, lets go pick a fight with Chief, he looks sick, I think you can take him..."

I looked through the see-through glass, at all the people, running around, mouths opening and closing silently. They didn't look happy. They didn't look sad either, they just looked...empty. As if something inside themselves that had been burning was just ashes now. I watched the people for awhile, then, deciding that it was just as sad and cruel as the female had said, turned away. Instead, I watched the biggest silverback, Chief, give the other male gorilla (whose named turned out to be Bongo, which may have explained his lack of alpha-male status) a sound thrashing, while the others gathered around, hooting and throwing feces. It looked like a lot of fun.

For awhile, I watched the gorillas every day. You would think it was great, but Bongo was right: it was boring--the same old bitter rivalries springing up again and again, the same lofty professions of the perfection of bananas, the unending debate over what could possibly be in the little glass boxes all the humans watched all the time.


I began to ignore the apes, and started watching the people every day. Perhaps the humans really did have a paradise, even if they were had an odd way of showing it. The world on the other side of the glass looked brighter, cleaner, safer. I longed to sit in a chair, to taste coffee, but mostly to be able to talk and have someone hear me, even if it meant I could never leave. With a final look back at Gorilla world, I headed back down the path, turned left at the sign, walked down a narrow corridor, and opened the metal door that led to the Offices.

The sudden rush of noise made me jump. Buzzing and ringing and whirring and under it all was the nearly inaudible hum of the florescent lights. They saturated the Office with a flat, uniform brightness, robbing everything of its shadow. I shut my eyes and shook my head, trying to get my bearings while quietly noting that I was now wearing human clothes, what the gorillas had called a monkey-suit and holding the thin rectangular box that I knew was for putting paper in.

A man in a blue suit, who was tall and very tan, came up to me, smiling widely and not blinking nearly enough. I tried to speak to him, but before I could say a word, he grabbed my hand and squeezed it, launching into a speech with an automatic look on his face.

"Hey there! You must be the new guy! Hi, new guy! Welcome to our office. It's not much, but it's ours. Good news! You get a desk with a window! Ha! We all do! Yep, it's our one claim to fame, we're the only office I've ever heard of that looks out onto a zoo! Yep, monkeys all around, HQ thinks they help productivity or office feng shui or some shit. Anyway, lemme show you to your desk. Hey! You want some coffee?"