Dear Ohio, Texas, Vermont and Rhode Island,

Please Don't Fuck This Up. 

Love,

Everybody

The Body Shop

 

The door chimed as it opened for me, causing the grizzled man behind the counter to look up from his paperwork and wipe his work-stained hands on his coveralls.

 

“Welcome to Pete’s Body Shop. I’m Pete. What can I do fer you?”

 

“Well, I’ve think it’s about time I got a tune up,” I replied.  “You have any openings today?”

 

“Depends.  How long has it been since your last?”

“About five years, I think.” 

 

“Hmm, okay. Yeah, I got some openings. Whole shebang will run you about two grand. It’ll take a few hours though.”

 

“That’s okay, I had planned on doing this today.  Two thousand, huh?  What all does that include?”

 

“Well, the basics, but just those.  We do flange rotation, spinal alignment, a full liver flush, replace worn cartilage in the joints, do a lung scrape to remove any carbon deposits, and give the ol’ arteries a solid once over.”

 

“That’s not too bad, I’ve been meaning to get my liver flushed anyway.  You know, I’ve been running a little rough for a few months…memories fading, short-term recall lagging, headaches, that sorta thing…will the tune up fix that?”

 

He shrugged.  “Eh, it couldn’t hurt, but I won’t guarantee anything above the shoulders.  You want that kind of work, you need a headjob.”

 

“Shit, I’m sure that’ll cost me…but then again, forgetting this missus’ birthday cost me too, and we both know I’m not talking about money.”  I forced a small chuckle, hoping my attempt to ingratiate myself with Pete the body mechanic would translate into some sort deal.

 

“I’ll bet.  A headjob runs an extra grand, but I do a much more thorough job than those big-name guys.  We’re talking brand new cerebrospinal fluid, frontal lobe recalibration, and neural replacement.  Then I clean and restring the optic nerves, replace the tympanic membrane, optimize your olfactory receptors and replace th’ papillae…”

 

“My what?”

 

 

“Yer taste buds, boss.” Pete said, shooting me the kind of look that let me know I had fallen solidly into the typical ignorant customer category, dashing my hopes of any discount.  Oh well.

 

“You want my opinion, do everything at once.  Most people skip it, think its unnecessary, but in the long run its cheaper to maintain yer parts rather than replace ‘em once there gone, and no offense buddy, you look like you need all the tuning up you can get.”

 

“Yeah, I’ve been meaning to come in for awhile, I just got busy, I guess.”

 

“That’s what they all say. But it’s okay, ya know?  That’s what I’m here for. So, whatcha think?”

 

“All I can afford right now is twenty-five hundred.”

 

“Hey, I gots kids in school.  Twenty seven and I’ll give you a new set of chompers on the house. Also, you should know I take pride in my work.  This won’t be a wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am thing.  I don’t run no assembly line body shop like those corporate bastards.  Everything is guaranteed and you don’t pay a dime until you’ve run a couple laps around the shop and made sure nothins’ on backwards.  Deal?”

“It’s a deal, Pete.”  We shook on it, signed the forms and then he led me to the back room where I’d be getting worked on. I counted backwards from ten, almost making it to zero before everything faded.

 

********************************

 

When I opened my eyes again, I could tell something was wrong.  My head had never whirred before.  Also, I couldn’t feel my limbs.  Hell, I couldn’t feel anything!

 

“Pete! What’s going on here?”

 

“Well, we ran into some problems during the tune up, so we stuck you into a loaner-bot until we can get it all sorted out.”

 

“Problems? What kind of problems?” I asked.  I knew I should feel angry, but the without an endocrinal system it’s rather impossible to feel any sort of emotion at all.  And the lag!  It was seconds before my mouth spoke what my mind was trying to say. Mild annoyance with the whole thing was the most I could conjure up, and it was unsatisfying at best.

“Take a look for yourself,” said Pete, gesturing to the workshop.

After a second, my robot eyes whirred and clicked into focus.  My body was spread across the room, intestines draped over a chair, organs and tools in a pile on the floor. Again, my complete lack of a real body probably was to my advantage at this point. It was strange, seeing my body from the outside like that, but it didn’t make me want to scream in terror or panic, seeing as I had controlled voice modulation and no adrenaline to pump through my lack of veins.  I whirred in closer, focusing on my open skull.

 

“See, the problem is right here, wrapped around your cortex.  If we’d only been doing the regular tune up we woulda missed it, so you got lucky, bub,” said Pete. “It’s a malignant tumor, and its growing.  A few more weeks and you woulda had complete cognitive failure—and then ain’t nobody would be able to help, you’d just be gone.”

 

“Great. Just great.  Well, how much is this gonna cost?” I droned, able to put only a modicum of feeling into it.  I didn’t know that they even made bots that interfaced so poorly anymore.

 

“Well, you got a softball sized tumor wrapped around your cerebral cortex, buddy.  It ain’t gonna be easy or cheap.  We had to special order a new brain, and we had to go overseas for that, so it’s gonna take five to seven days to get here.  We’ll have a quote ready for you then.  Why don’t you go home and try to get some rest or something in the meantime?”

 

“Rest? Do I even need to sleep?  What am I going to tell my wife?  We had dinner reservations at The Valis restaurant tonight, but I can’t go looking like this… “

 

“Here, take these pamphlets.  They’ll answer most of your questions. I’m sorry for the inconvenience, but hey, its better than bein’ dead, right?”

 

“Yeah…you’re right, Pete.  Thanks a bunch. I guess I’ll get on home now.  You’ll call me as soon as the new brain gets in, right?”
 

“Sure, sure.  We’ll be in touch.  Take care now.”  The door failed to open automatically for me, not sensing my body heat.  I began the walk home, knowing that no cab would ever pick up a bot as a fare, but at least I couldn’t get tired.  I was about halfway home when it started to rain and my left knee servomotor seized up. 

 

Bodies.  It’s always something.

By Dan Steinbacher