May You Be Happy

So it's been awhile since I posted, sorry for that to all the...twos...of you who read.  

Consequently, I was looking at my last blogs and realized that they weren't very, um, upbeat. Which is fine, I suppose, it being October and Halloween when there were written and such, but still, its November, and January 20, 2009 feels a long way off, so I wanted to say something as  immediately as I could to as many people I love as I could, and this blog is the best way.

So, with all that in mind, here is what I am saying right now, and to whoever is reading this, whenever, wherever: May you be happy.  May you be filled with whatever makes you happy, or joyful, or loved, or peaceful.

I've been thinking that perhaps I haven't been putting that thought out into the ether like I used to, nor have I been trying to, and that's unfortunate and something I'm going to try and change from here on out.  

I can't pretend that this all isn't just a ploy for attention, nor can I pretend it's not because I have had a lot of really awesome things happen to me in the last two weeks or so.

****MAJOR SPOILER ALERT****ONLY READ IF YOU WANT TO HEAR ME BEING A JERK AND BRAGGING ABOUT HOW COOL MY LIFE IS, I'M SORRY, BUT AT LEAST I"M HONEST ABOUT WHAT IT IS...MAYBE YOU COULD JUST BE HAPPY THAT I"M HAPPY?******

Just because i'm really excited right now, and I drank yerba mate tea way too late, I'm going to give you just a small sampler of the nice things that happened to me just this week. I know it's lame and it sounds super braggy  but I have to get it off my chest, so regardless of how it sounds, check this out:

• Just this week I finally got my room the way I really and truly want it.  I know i have a really stupid amount of pride in my room, but if you ever saw my Crack Street apartment, you know why. I got a sweet new desk and a sweet new chair that doesn't hurt my back all to shit, and a sweet new monitor that I don't have to squint and hunch to use.  It makes me feel like a professional writer and shit!  
  

• I played disc golf with Mike and Conor.  Barefoot, even!
  
• I got an amazing swedish massage.
  
• I found a amazing place to rent for my March Costa Rica trip (there will be a blog about this when plans are more finalized...ha, like you really want to hear about some trip you can't go on...)
  
• I went to Dave and Busters in San Diego with my high school buddies, drank beer and adios muthafuckas whilst shooting dinos, zombies, and terrorists, and laughed till my tummy hurt, then sang Mariners Revenge Song on the way home so loud my voice is still hoarse.
  
• I began working on two different major writing projects and they're going really well and i'm excited about them.

• Oh, and I went to a The Hold Steady show.  They rocked so FUCKING HARD.
  

Okay, now that I've got all that off my chest....

****END SPOILER ALERT***CONTINUE TO DAN SPOUTING OFF SOME HIPPY LOVEY-DOVEY NONSENSE***************

 I sat down this evening to do a loving-kindness meditation (which also inspired this blog) tonight. I don't meditate as often as I used to, mainly because my thoughts are so distracted so often (to which, I hear Ven. Yifa responding "That means you should meditate more, not less!") Regardless, because of this amazing week I had I feel a real joy, a real happiness that I haven't felt in a long time.  Not just since Nick died, but before that, going back to all the times I've been really happy.  So I wanted to meditate and see what might have brought this state about (because who doesn't want to replicate feeling great?).  I began by picturing all the people I love, one by one, smiling, and then told them "May you be happy" and called a new name.  I went on for over an hour, some people getting more time, almost everybody getting called up twice or three times.  I tried to expand it, as Pema Chodron (umlauts ommitted) suggests in her book "The Places that Scare You", 

 include whole countries, people I am angry with, and finally all sentient beings.  I didn't quite get there, but I felt a lot of spiritual rust fall away from my heart.  Those steel walls don't stand a chance against the constant rain of love everyone in my life pours on me.

On deeper reflection I realized that this alpha state I feel is very unique...I didn't go anywhere or do anything all that specific (compared to leaving a country or something).  Virtually nothing in my life has changed, at least not yet, but here is what set it apart the most:  A lot, a whole lot of people who I love and respect and care for very much said a lot of really nice things to me this week. I usually don't really know how to respond to compliments, they sort of take me off guard, but the people who said all these different, wonderful things said them honestly, and directly, and each of them really, really meant it, so I had no choice to accept them, which I did, gratefully and as humbly as I could, I hope.

And you know what? I think I'm starting to believe what they said.

I found myself thinking about the cumulative effect that that can have on a person, especially when that person is me. It turns out that it makes me feel like a million bucks. It feels better than any car, any trip, any girl, any movie, any drug, any book, any thing.  So thank you, everyone, for that.  Thank you for telling me what I mean to you.  I hope I told you how much you mean to me back.

 I feel a little guilty, I think, for having so many really, truly amazing people around me, like I'm somehow hogging the best for myself, and also because, as I said, (or maybe I haven't but meant to) I don't think that I've been telling people how much they mean to me and how highly I really think of them enough.  It's not that I have to do it all the time, I just realized today that I've been selfish, that I've taken people for granted, taken their friendships for granted, holed up and ignored everyone, been flaky and a jerk and irresponsible, pushed people's goodwill farther than it is fair to do, and expected far more patience than I ever gave.  So for that I'm sorry. I feel like the only way to make it up to you all and how great you are is to try my hardest to be better.  

Part of that will be telling you how awesome I think you are when it strikes me particularly strongly, and another part of it will be me trying to return calls, and go outside, and do things and talk to people and, I dunno, I might get real crazy and try to show up on time to things.  (For the record, a lot of time I flake its because I say yes to too many things and end up overbooking myself...i'm just sayin'...)

Another part of it will be the wishing of everyone to be happy.  I invite you, as a person I love, to join in wishing people you love happiness/fill in your own word.  Or at the very least, don't get all freaked out when I say something really nice to you.  Hows that? But try it..who knows, maybe being nice will become a trend or something.

Regardless of anything... "Know this: You are loved."  --my good buddy Noah